


Once there was a way (to get back home)

by kayakcouple



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Video: Trying To Live My Truth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-19
Updated: 2018-04-19
Packaged: 2019-04-25 01:18:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14367807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kayakcouple/pseuds/kayakcouple
Summary: Growth is neither linear nor painless. But it is inevitable.





	Once there was a way (to get back home)

Dan laid on the couch. His mind felt heavy. Sinking under the weight this fog that had slowly infiltrated his subconscious. It keeps running through his head in an endless loop. Shooting his video. Saying the thing. Editing. A flash of bravery ( that he would later think of as foolishness). leaving the thing in. The video exporting and then finally becoming public. Reading the comments.

An uneasy feeling had settled in his stomach then. He couldn't put his finger on it. People were talking.

"I'm feeling off because they're more focused on the joke rather than the video" he had convinced himself, he will talk about this in his liveshow tomorrow, yes that will make him feel better.

Yet as he logged off younow the next day after finishing his liveshow the relief he was expecting to feel was absent. He ended up back in the comment section of his video, scrolling and scrolling his eyes were starting to burn from staring at the bright screen for too long by the time he started to recall where he had felt this feeling before.

                                                                                                                               

* * *

 

 

He was in high school. He was at his girlfriend katie's house, sitting at her desk as she excitedly told him about her recent vacation to the Bahamas when out of the corner of his eye he saw her brother walk past the bedroom room.wearing only a towel. It happened at once he felt a wave of attraction followed by a strong wave of fear. What the hell was he thinking. He quickly turned his attention back to Katie.

 

The next time it happened he was sitting at the back of the classroom absently doodling in the margin of his notes when Ryan,one of his classmates sat down on the chair in front of him. The sunlight from the window hitting his brown fringe giving a soft glow to his brown eyes. He was pretty.

Dan was brought out of his reverie when the guy Ryan was talking to suddenly quipped "fellas what do you call a boy who ogles at other boys?"

"A faggot obviously!" his classmates chimed in sniggering.

Ryan's friend shot Dan a pointed look and turned away. That day he left school with a black eye, a nasty bruise blooming on his stomach and a feeling of shame and guilt twisting inside his chest. That day he had decided he never wanted to be looked at like that again, like he was some dirty creature. He planned to tightly lock away that side of him.

 

Fortunately he had come a long way since then. Phil came into his life and His friendship with phil was unlike any other relationship in his life. He felt safe, warm , protected. It was kind of hard not to fall when every time he would open up another door and tell Phil about his demons expecting Phil to run away , Phil would meet him with a reassuring words. Over Skype, dailybooth their conversations veered towards flirty and suggestive as allowed himself to let go. Hidden in a corner of the internet he felt comfortable.

 

However his new found comfort did not extend to feeling comfortable about other people commenting on or directly addressing his non-straightness.That became obvious when one of his youtube friends made a snide remark about Dan’s attraction men and the argument escalated quickly , ending with Dan breaking the mutual and unfriending him on facebook.

 

He would lie awake in bed that night trying to understand why one snarky comment was still burning a hole in his chest.

 

He tried really hard to find a label for himself. But at the end of every malteser-fuelled 4am internet expedition he came up empty handed. “Gay” “Bi” “Pan” “queer” He tried saying each one out loud but each one felt more and more uncomfortable on his skin. He definitely liked Phil He was deeply in love with him for god’s sake. He still likes women too. But it wasn't as simple as that. His feelings and thoughts fluctuated all the damn time. He eventually gave up on trying to label himself. It wasn’t that he was ashamed of what they meant but none of them felt right. Only one thing he was sure of and that was that he was definitely not straight.

“Not straight” he said into the silence. Yes that will do for now.

                                                                                                                              

* * *

 

 

He had accepted that long ago. Then why was he here lying face down on the couch?

He heard the sound of Phil's feet padding up the stairs. Oh he had completely forgotten Phil was making dinner. He mentally kicked himself for making Phil wait.

 

“Dan?”

 

Dan lifted his face from where it was squashed between the throw pillows to see Phil watching him with a concerned expression on his face.

 

“What’s wrong?” Phil asked,sitting down beside him.

 

“I couldn’t do it Phil. I just couldn’t do it “

 

“Do what?”

 

“Be fucking okay with myself , when i put that video up and went through the comments all i could think was how people must me looking at me. I know not everyone is like that b-but there's some that will be downright disgusted by who , by what i am. They shouldn't matter anyways i don't know why I'm thinking about it. I am 26 i should have my shit together by now i thought i was over this”

 

“Dan , look first of all there’s no deadline for having your life together and yes it looks like you still have issues to work on but you've got to realize! you've come a long way from where you once were. trust me I've watched you grow. A few years ago you would never be brave enough to say that out loud let alone say it in a main channel video”

 

Dan’s silent for a few seconds “But I've gone and undone all that now by giving them greif about thinking about my video like that, haven’t I?”

 

“Well you had to do it first to undo it. That has to mean something right?”

 

“Yeah I guess”

 

Phil gently patted Dan's back “Now come on eat something it will make you feel better”

When Dan made no move to get up Phil shouted over his shoulder “unless you want me to regurgitate it into your mouth like a momma bird!”

 

That earned a laugh from Dan. “Phil you’re such a weird person” Dan said in a voice too fond for his words as he got up and followed Phil downstairs.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic ever  
> tell me what you think, leave a comment!


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